Above, Kenneth Haslam, 85-year-old polyamorist.
DURHAM, N.C. -- For Kenneth Haslam, polyamory hasn’t gotten easier in the quarter-century since he embraced the concept of dating and loving multiple women at the same time, and allowing the same latitude to his girlfriends and lovers.
Haslam, an 85-year-old retired anesthesiologist, currently has two love interests. He lives with Ann Huessener, a 65-year-old retired hospice nurse, in a North Carolina retirement community. And he also sees a communications professor in her 70s who lives out of state and has other lovers of her own.
Haslam is fond of both women, would love for them to meet, but the two don’t want to have anything to do with each other.
It’s a conundrum for a ladies’ man who has seen more than his share of nudist colonies, sex clubs, swingers parties and friends with “benefits.”
“My relationship with Ann is not threatened by the relationship with the professor,” Haslam said. “When I get on the airplane and I get back to Durham, I’m with Ann. The other relationship is just the other relationship.”
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Huessener describes the situation in more visceral terms.
“The biggest problem I have is knowing that he got up in the morning sleeping with one woman and he’s going to bed sleeping with me,” she said. “I ask him to take a shower. I don’t want to detect with my nose one molecule of another woman on him.”
The second-biggest problem: Her fear of sexually transmitted diseases.
The dilemma for Haslam is that his polyamory is not defined by his life as an octogenarian Casanova. He has been a polyamory activist, traveling around the country and making dozens of public presentations, creating the Kinsey Institute’s polyamory history archive, and lecturing at Duke University’s Osher Lifelong Learning Institute on aging and sexuality and non-monogamy.
He is an ambassador for a movement that is seeking legitimacy and acceptance. He is supposed to be a role model for positive alternative sexuality.
His predicament also embodies the inherent contradictions that polyamory represents: the desire for sexual variety and novelty versus the human instincts of security and jealousy.
Geoffrey Miller, a polyamorist in an open marriage, and a psychology professor who teaches about polyamory and human sexuality at the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque, said polyamory is still in a state of trial and error.
“This is an experimental subculture. We need to be honest about pros and cons,” Miller said on the British program “Rebel Wisdom.” “It’ll probably take two to three generations before polyamory regularly works like anywhere near as well as monogamous marriage, which has been under constant R&D for thousands of years.”
Huessener said she prefers to remain monogamous and wishes Haslam would do the same for her. She fears that exploring other romantic options could cause her to become infatuated, lose perspective, and precipitously ruin her 10 ½-year long relationship with Haslam, whom she loves.
She doesn’t dare give him an ultimatum, however, because he says he’d pick polyamory and leave her if forced to make that choice.
“That’s part of my life and I waited till I was 60 years old to figure that out. Why should I give it up now?” he said. “Ann satisfies most of my needs but not all of them.”
Haslam has been seeing the professor, who is not “out” about her lifestyle, for about 16 years; he met her and her late husband at a swingers’ convention.
Huessener accepts the fact that she has fallen in love with a polyamorist. She’s been to a therapist to deal with her heartache, and the pair have been to couples counseling to address these complexities.
As Haslam has aged, he has slowed down some. Only a few years ago, he took a lady friend on a swingers cruise and took another woman on a trip to Bermuda. He visits his professor friend only twice a year a now.
Huessener said that Haslam’s casual sexual escapades bother her less than Haslam’s emotional attachment to the professor.
“I would much rather him go on a swingers cruise for a week with a than have him spend three nights with professor lady,” Huessener said.
If it’s not yet apparent, open non-monogamists can be brutally honest about sexual matters.
Indeed, while the ethos of polyamory can sound X-rated, the ethical cornerstone of responsible polyamory is “consent.” Poly culture is built on the principles of honesty, transparency, disclosure, discussion – but it all falls apart without consent.
Still, it’s not clear Huessener has consented to any of this.
“I don’t use that word,” she said. “Using that word ‘consent’ locks me in.”
When asked if her lack of consent means that his polyamory fails the test, Haslam replied: “You’re talking like a lawyer now.”
“The answer is, it seems to be working,” Haslam said. “I think we agree to disagree.”
